If only
by Randomness in Thoughts
Summary: Sara's feelings after her DIU


**[A/N]. Is a one shot for now, could turn into more if you like to. **

A piercing scream escaped her mouth and Sara shot up straight from her mattress. Bewilderedly she looked around trying to identify the source of the sudden noise. Something dropped down, creating a spot on the blankets, in which she was tangled. Unsure where it had come from, Sara flipped the switch of her lamp. Immediately she squeezed her eyes shut in response to the illuminated room. Adjusted to the light, she tilted her head to locate the source of the drop, however she failed. Realizing that she suddenly was very cold and finding goose bumps on her arms and legs, she wrapped her arms around herself, trying to provide some sort of comfort to her body. In the process of doing so, she felt that her clothes were soaked through and immediately the source of the scream dawned upon her. It was her own; she was woken by one of her own screams, though she couldn't remember why she screamed.

Knowing that it was pointless to try to fall asleep again, she got out of bed and walked to the kitchen, in doing so, she passed the mirror located in the right corner. She caught a glimpse of her image and felt like a ghost walk past. Walking backwards, she stopped in front of the mirror and winced upon seeing her reflection, She hadn't gotten get a proper look at herself for a long time, and knew she would not look at her best, but this was truly devastating. Her eyes were red, probably she had been crying during her sleep, not uncommon, sometimes she would wake up and find her pillow soaked with tears, her hair was plastered to her forehead, clothes hung from her small frame, and her skin was rather sallow. The painful truth dawned upon her. She was a mess, and that was even understatement. If one hurricane can cause serious damage, than she would have been caught in at least three of them. If only those nightmares wouldn't bug her every time she would fall asleep. She tried to max out on overtime, trying to evade the inevitable. She was surprised nobody commented on her shocking appearance. Maybe they hadn't noticed, although that seemed highly unlikely, a CSI notices every little detail. Maybe they just didn't care. At least Grissom didn't seem to, she though bitterly.

Suddenly she felt herself craving for a beer and was already in front of the fridge before she even noticed. However just as her hand hovered above a beer bottle, she came to her senses, and jerked her hand away. She remembered very well where it had gotten her the last time, down the drain. The DUI was embarrassing however being brought home like a little child by Grissom was dropping her pride to level zero. God she wished the ground to open by then. Her mood was already at a low point however the mentioning of a forced vacation dropped it to rock-bottom. Rumors would be flying around the lab by now. Where smoke is, there is fire. She could imagine the shifts talking to one another about her behavior, probably despising her for it, although she secretly hoped that Nick, Greg and Warrick, maybe even Catherine would know better than believe those rumors.

With a water bottle she sat down on the couch and groaned in annoyance when she felt a headache coming into existence. She massaged her temples, trying to ease some of it. She wasn't hung-over; though this was probably one of the worst aftermaths of her drinking in a long period. She didn't even drink to her fullest potential yet, however all the events of the previous days had taken their final toll on her, and truth to be told, she was exhausted, both emotionally and physically. However, she couldn't admit this to anyone, she would lose her reputation she carefully build over a course of time. She couldn´t drop her defenses and ask for help, it would demise her reputation as independent and stubborn person. Besides that she is used to rely on her own, always done so.

Tomorrow she would have her first meeting with her PEAP counselor, like she was waiting to pour out all her problems to some stranger. Where had it all gone wrong she questioned herself. Was it the break up with Hank after he used her to cheat on his girlfriend? Was it maybe the explosion and the rejection of Grissom afterwards? Was it Grissom who exposed his heart to a stranger, unaware of her listening? Or maybe just the cases in general? Honestly she didn't know the answer, and truthfully she didn't want to know the answer, the outcome would make her only more miserable. How could she explain herself to the PEAP counselor when she even couldn't explain the events to herself. Well she would have to face it tomorrow, if she wanted to keep her job.


End file.
